i’m going to be okay

You’re always better off dealing with reality she says. 

And I sit here on my balcony. Now. Here. Today. In reality. 

It’s not the past. Though it always lingers. It’s not the future. Though it always calls. 

It’s today. 

And it’s spring. 

And my life is not so bad. 

And I pause and wait after I write that. 

But we agree it’s not so bad. 

I’ve always wrestled with the betrayal of life being okay. 

That somehow if life is okay, if life is not so bad, that makes it okay what happened to me. 

It is not okay. It will never be okay, what happened to me. 

And 

for the first time in my life I know that while,

It is never going to be okay what happened to me, 

I am going to be okay. 

I am going to be okay because I am strong. 

I am going to be okay because I never ever let it defeat me. 

I am going to be okay

because I work hard every single day to be okay. 

Because I chose a different path for my life. 

Because I chose the path of hope, the path of belief that I could be okay, that I would be okay. 

And this path is hard. This path is the worst. It drives me into the blackest nights and the darkest of days. And I do long to give up. And I look for an out. 

This path has one direction and it’s through. Through those horrid times. That sink me. That always threaten to win. 

And I know now, tonight, as I swing here on my balcony waiting for my boys. 

That there’s still more darkness to come. 

That this journey holds more blackness, sorrow, and pain. 

But I also know. For a fact. 

I am going to be okay.